POR QUE NÃO CONSIGO ?

Algumas pessoas contam terem sido agredidas por seus pais, não necessariamente na forma física, mas por ações ou palavras, quando de alguma forma foram humilhados ao ouvirem: “como você foi capaz de fazer isso?”; “você é um idiota ou um incompetente ou um medroso ou um fracote ou não faz nada certo”; “com a tua idade eu já era capaz de…”; “você está muito grande pra fazer isso”; “me formei em direito e contabilidade, sempre estudei em escola pública, pago a melhor escola da cidade e você me pede professor particular, assim você não vai ser nada na vida…”.

Ouço relatos do pai ter chegado atrasado para a festinha de aniversário, ou nunca ter ido a uma apresentação na escola, comportamentos que são expressos pelos filhos como se não tivessem importância para os pais. São atitudes deste tipo que lentamente batizam os filhos nos processos da vergonha e aniquilam sua autoestima.

Mas esta iniciação não precisa ser lenta, pode igualmente acontecer como relâmpagos. Uma pessoa relatou ter visto seu pai chorar apenas duas vezes, a primeira foi quando a avó, mãe dele faleceu, a segunda foi quando ela não passou no vestibular em sua primeira e única tentativa. Para ela, não atender às expectativas do pai, produzia um sofrimento semelhante à morte da avó. O medo de falhar novamente a perseguia, deixando-a paralisada. Suas ações estavam envoltas em medo, culpa, vergonha, timidez, ansiedade, entre outras. Ela perdeu sua iniciativa e capacidade inovadora. Escolheu ser um nada para não decepcionar mais seu pai.

Outra relatou que ao ficar em dependência numa matéria na faculdade o pai lhe mostrou o valor gasto com sua educação e o que poderia ter sido feito com o dinheiro. O choque foi tão grande que ele desistiu de estudar, não queria mais gastar o dinheiro do pai. Vinte anos depois estava num subemprego, prestes a se separar pela segunda vez e era dependente de álcool.

Tais histórias demonstram que a ansiedade dos pais em fazer o melhor, tentar ser mais perfeito e correto, pode deixar pouco espaço para os filhos errarem e evoluírem no seu próprio ritmo.

O problema da impaciência e pressa dos pais em obter resposta dos filhos compatível com suas expectativas não é exclusivo da cultura brasileira, pode igualmente ser encontrada no “primeiro mundo” ou países subdesenvolvidos. Michael Meade relata uma história africana na qual, certo dia, o caçador leva o filho à caça. Tendo abatido um pequeno rato, pede ao menino que o guarde. “Achando que nada valia, o garoto jogou-o no mato”.
Como não apareceu mais nenhuma caça naquele dia, ao anoitecer o pai pediu ao menino o rato, para que pudessem cozinhar e ter alguma coisa para comer. O menino disse: “joguei-o no mato.” Então, o pai pegou o machado e golpeou o filho, deixando-o caído onde estava.

Ao contar esta história, algumas pessoas são capazes de contar detalhes de quando e como foram igualmente golpeadas pelos pais.

Mas a desqualificação dos filhos pode vir de diversas maneira. Igualmente pode ser obtida ao delegar-lhes tarefas acima da capacidade ou idade, pois o insucesso será armazenado mais como fracasso do filho do que do pai.

Educar de forma sadia não é tarefa simples, exige muito preparo, disponibilidade e principalmente amor. Num nível de maturidade não mensurável mas suficiente, compreender os motivos e intenções dos pais pode ajudar na libertação das agressões sofridas. Tal processo de compreensão e perdão pode evitar que a ferida seja sistematicamente reaberta e finalmente cicatrizada. Para algumas pessoas, talvez a reflexão seja suficiente, enquanto que outros precisarão de ajuda.

Deixar de carregar os pesados rótulos de incompetências e limitações pode restabelecer a energia suficiente para avançar rumo à realização.


Referencia: História contada por Michael Maede foi extraída do livro “João de Ferro – Um livro sobre homens” de Robert Bly

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